Life as a Loced Flower

Looking for Full time work sucks especially since I want to move out of Boston.

It has been a while I know…there’s lots to say but right now to much is going on.

However, I was doing my weekly google reader reading and stumbled upon this.

So SS and I decided that we’d take a break. I think it was much needed. We’ve kinda been bitches to each other lately and I’ve been feeling like the crazy girlfriend whose imagining everything…though my friends tell me otherwise. I know there are two sides to every story so I’m not going to do SS bashing but I’m not certain how this relationship is going to work out.

One of the sad things since there are so many about this break is that my uterus is seriously starting to override my brain. I’m having baby fever and my grandmother’s premonitions of her life getting closer to an end aren’t helping. The idea of at least one of my kids not knowing my grandmother makes me want to burst into tears. I’m getting a little misty eyed just typing it. Though even despite the break SS has continued the baby talk…its nerve wrecking.

So last night I went out with my cousins and their significant others…it was fun but especially interesting. My cousin Kat apparently has a lot of lesbian friends or so she keeps telling me. She went to an all girls college so I believe it but now every tome we hang put it’s the same thing.

Last night we all went bowling. SS was having a weekend with her girls so I was the 5th wheel. Anyways there was this really attractive older woman with locs (yum) so my cousin asks “do you think she’s gay?” Yes I think it but I’m kinda tired of Kat using my gaydar (which isn’t very good) to always pick out the lesbians. Do I look like the authority on all lesbians?

So SS has this new admirer at school who is “straight” but when they went shopping told her “your room should smell like me.” SS was shopping for a new diffuser for her room FYI. Anyways SS tells me this story and when I asked if she told Nona that she has a gf what answer do I get? “No!”

Well as much as that bothered me i put it behind me but then SS goes bra shopping for/with Nona. I’m pissed! I haven’t talked to SS since yesterday so I have some time to cool off.

I’m not cool yet though.

The other day SS and I were hanging out and I started telling her that I wanted to buy new sneakers. I’ve been really partial to Adidas lately but when I showed her a couple of sneakers I was thinking about she very quickly told me not to get them because she didn’t want us having matching shoes. I mean it is not about her right now. The thing that really pissed me off was her off handed comment about my style or in her opinion my lack of it. Even though it happened a couple of days ago I’m still really upset. I get it! I’ve always acknowledged that I lack a conventional style (I.e. Tomboy, stud, lipstick, butch, bohemian, artsy, etc) but growing up I always aimed for comfort.

I have a sister who is gorgeous and growing up I always felt in her shadow especially when people would tell me how similar we looked plus there were the shadows of my “stylish” cousins. By the time I was buying my own clothes other things became more important like volleyball equipment, training camps, campus fees, etc. Now that I’m older and those things aren’t factors anymore I’ve started really wanting to focus on my wardrobe but I’m pretty much unemployed.

It really bothers me that SS pointed out my lack of style. I mean she and HT have said it multiple times and I’ve continually expressed my sensitivity about the issue. I feel like a large part of why I’m upset is because she didn’t even apologize. I told her so many times that day how mad I was and nothing. She just dropped the subject and pretended like it never happened. What do I do from here?

I feel like a kid for still being upset about this but it is something that has always made me feel inadequate and my gf not apologizing about it is really bothering me.

Should I just drop it at this point?

SS bought me the entire series of Ellen and I’ve been watching it. I think the thing I love the most is how awkward her experiences are. It’s comforting in a way. I mean I know she’s a fictional character but thank god she’s so awkward.

I’m starting to think that my mom doesn’t really understand that I’m gay. I mean she continually says things about other people like “they can’t be gay their Catholic/Christian/abroad person.” I wanna say honestly mom…what the fuck! But I’m to scared because what if she says some I can’t handle?

How did this start? She came into my room rambling on about something while I was watching “Off the Map” (I don’t have cable and I like Shonda Rhimes) and my mom asked “how I could watch her show after what she do to Isaiah Washington?”

I mean I get that as a black person I’m supposed to be pissed about every injustice done to Black people but what happens when it overlaps with an injustice done to a gay person? What side do I choose? How do I figure out the wrong and right? I mean I don’t condone what Isaiah did at all but I’ve heard people drop the N word and nothing happened to them. I don’t think that he should have said the F but…I don’t know.

Frick! What do I do? Any suggestions?