Life as a Loced Flower

So, I’ve been home for a couple of weeks now and there are some ups and downs to being back. I feel like that’s true for most visits home so I’m trying not to whine about it. I’ve been struggling a lot though with guilt. A part of me thinks that most of my guilt comes from my Catholic upbringing…you former Catholics may understand this. The Catholic guilt complex is pretty much…feel guilty about everything. I think that’s what keeps us going back to church. Funny thing is I don’t feel guilty about being gay or sleeping with women…its everything else in my life. Anyways I digress.

Let’s begin with the relationship with my mother which broils down to “suck it up.” My new job supervisor keeps telling me how much my mother misses me when I’m not around but my mother has begun to show it by yelling. This type of relationship has been progressing since my college years but now its gotten horribly worse. On Saturday I woke up to my mom yelling at me about all the household chores I’ve failed to complete. That’s right! I may not live there but I’m expected to do chores like the obedient daughter I am. My chores apparently include everyone’s (mother and brother) laundry, cooking (primarily for my brother), and cleaning the entire house. I also got yelled at for not cleaning my room which presently is crammed with my mother’s stuff. I have a problem with a couple of these chores. Really I have no problem with cooking for my family but the idea that I’m cooking to make my brother happy bugs me. He has my mother cooking and cleaning for him like he’s the man of the house. It is annoying. He comes home and plops himself down on the couch and doesn’t do anything else. He has also stopped eating pork in an effort to become Muslim (or so he says) and my mother is okay with that whereas when I ask not to go to church and hear them preach about the evil of homosexuality I get yelled at. I’m really tired of the male/female double standard but the horrible thing is I feed into it. My mother sent me to the store to get food for him to eat and I went. WHY? Because I’d feel guilty for disobeying my mother whereas my brother brings girls home and screws them in his room but I train my friends not to even as to come into my house. I’m not really certain why I feel so guilty all the time…I chalk it up to Catholic guilt but maybe its something else.

My guilt is making me also consider whether I should move back to Cali or not. My mother is getting old…way before her time. I cannot even describe all the things she is doing but its getting bad and I think part of it is because she’s unhappy. I don’t think she feels fulfilled by work and she doesn’t date so she only has my brother and I. And I know that my brother isn’t helping much and I live in Cali so I’m not helping much. I feel like my mother needs help and her yelling all the time is her way of calling for it but I’m not certain that I’m ready to sacrifice my dreams. I want to become a film producer and living in Boston would make that substantially harder. Plus coming back to Boston would make me stuck. Nobody ever leaves Boston after they come here. I mean I love the city, being home has made be realize how much I love and miss Boston but there isn’t anything here for me to do professionally. I could teach but I REALLY REALLY DON’T WANT TO DO THAT (if my current summer position has taught me anything it is that). I’m really torn about whether I should stay or leave. I don’t have work waiting for me in Cali and truthfully I might not even have a place to live come September 1st but I know I’d regret not trying.

Then there’s the issue of SS. We’ve been unseperable (much to my mother’s disapproval) since I got back. I pretty much sleep at her house every night (to avoid further fights with my mother and to spend as much time as possible with her). But we are both worrying that the lines are starting to blur. We want to be together but netiher of us is going to consent with a long distance relationship with the restrictions we both have. Once I start working who knows when I can come home to visit and her current job doesn’t allow her any vacation time. When she visited in February they practically destroyed the place by the time she got back a week later so her bosses aren’t allowing her much leave. Plus she’s got similar mommy issues. All the tension about what is going to happen next month when I leave has bubbled over into 1 panic attack by me that resulted in hysterical sobbing and hyperventilation which SS very calmly dealt with and a very bitchy passive aggressive argument this weekend which resulted in me spending most of the weekend at home getting yelled at and serving my brother. We aren’t really certain what to do.

Also I haven’t been to see my grandmother and I’ve been feeling awful about it but I can’t bring myself to step foot in that house. I feel guilty about that too. After everything that’s happened I still feel guilty…I can’t say that I don’t feel like it partially wasn’t my fault though I know it wasn’t but I can’t go back to that house and since her accident my grandmother doesn’t leave it. I should probably “suck it up” and go visit my grandmother huh? Though I’ve learned from my cousin that my grandmother has been asking about my sexuality and believes that if I’m with women its just a phase. I have a feeling that if I go see her not only will I be sucking up my anxiety but I will also be answering some intense questions. I do miss my grandmother and her cooking though.

I have to go…all this talk about my life is giving me a headache. lol! talk to yall soon.